CAMARILLO HOSPICE AT WORK

By Carole Wadsworth, Director of Counseling Services

As all the hospice counselors sat together in case conference after the holiday break, counselor Gina delightedly shared her reunion with members of her teen grief group at Pacifica High School. As they gathered, one girl walked into the room with her arms flung wide and announced, “This group works! I had no one to talk to over the vacation, and I need this group!” It’s great to be reminded that our grief support groups “work,” and we work hard to provide that support in ways that are as diverse as the mourners we serve.

People who grieve want to be with others who truly understand, who “get it”, and usually that means they want people who have had exactly the same experience as theirs at exactly the same time. We can’t always accomplish that for them, but we can often come close. A woman recently called whose three-year-old died in a home accident, and she was already intensely reviewing the “would’ve, should’ve, could’ves” in the midst of the deep pain of losing her child. I was able to pair her with a longtime volunteer who lost her 3-year-old twelve years ago. Mary (our volunteer) made 3 calls and had long, heartfelt conversations with this parent, and the 4th call was made by the mother to Mary. This is when we know that a bond has been established and that the person who is grieving will continue to reach out for the support they so desperately need.

One of the great strengths of Camarillo Hospice is our ability to work collaboratively with staff and volunteers and to respond quickly wherever there is a need. One of the facilitators of our Loss of a Child support group, Betty, found herself with family friends, supporting them in the sudden accidental death of their son. They were deeply concerned about their daughter who was in the hospital in Ventura, having just delivered a baby. At the parents’ request, we were able to send a counselor that same day to their daughter’s hospital room to be with her at a time when her parents could not be. Our counselor provided comfort and understanding and planted the idea that Camarillo Hospice is here when she is ready for more help.

We are also strongly collaborative with a wide range of agencies in Ventura County. We recently received a call from the Kidney Center of Camarillo. They had a woman in their office who only spoke Spanish and needed help with filling out paperwork in the wake of her husband’s death. The Center correctly concluded that we have a specialty in this area and could share this expertise. We were able to send our bilingual counselor Nahed to assist this widow with her immediate need. When this crisis was addressed, they were able to move on to the many other issues of loss affecting this widow and her children.

Mourners sometimes wryly observe that they are members of a “club” that no one wants to join. This was certainly the case when Michael was dragged to the Young Adult Grief Group 8 years ago after his mother died. His father had died before he was old enough to know him, and the loss of his mom took him to the very edge of despair. His grandmother was truly his rock. He quickly discovered a circle of caring and stability and stayed several years, then left, had twin girls, and then came back a couple of years ago, knowing he was ready to give back. He developed “Teens Helping Children Cope” for the Good Grief Club; as the owner of a local printing business, he put together DVD’s of pictures and music to memorialize the children’s loved ones. Two months ago, his grandmother died, but this time he has the group to lean on for the help he needs, and he knows that there will always be a place of caring support for him to return to.

"OUR STORY": A FAMILY HISTORY OPPORTUNITY

Camarillo Hospice is pleased to announce our newest Family History opportunity, “Our Story,” beginning in February 2010. Along with Valentine’s Day, of course, February is a month we often focus on celebrating love and relationships. In that vein, trained volunteers are honored to provide the interviewing, recording and media production for Camarillo’s sweethearts! Record your unique and special stories of the way you and your sweetheart met, got engaged, and then shared your lives. This opportunity is available to all couples who will be celebrating a special anniversary in 2010. For more information, please call Laurie Davis, Director of Volunteer Services, at 805.389.6870 ext 12.

THE LOSS OF A PET

by George Walczak, MA, Counseling Intern

The death of a pet is a significant and often misunderstood loss that can provoke the same intense grief reactions as the loss of a human being. Pets are a source of unconditional love and acceptance, constant companionship, and comfort. It should be no surprise that a creature who can provide all those qualities will be mourned in death. In fact, studies of pet owners show that 84% consider their animals family members.

My dog Sparky, who is currently dying of cancer, was a puppy when my boys were just “little pups” as well. My wife and I called the boys and Sparky the “puppy pack”. Sparky and my two sons have grown up together. The bond between them and their dog is deep and profound. Even though Sparky gets weaker with each passing day, he still waits for the boys to come home from school and never fails to greet them with wet kisses and a wagging tail. It will be with profound sorrow that my family eventually says farewell to the purest soul we have ever known.

For children, the loss of a pet may be their first experience of death and impermanence. Many children love their pets with all their hearts, and any child old enough to love is old enough to grieve. The loss of a pet is a major milestone in a child’s development, and often becomes the model for how children will grow to handle future losses. For adults, grief for a pet may exacerbate other loss experiences and intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation. Society often minimizes or denies the need to grieve for a pet. The owner may even be chastised or ridiculed for openly and honestly expressing feelings of grief. As a result, grief may be hidden, buried or ignored.

When they are denied understanding and support by friends and others, people still need to grieve the death of their beloved companion. Camarillo Hospice can provide a safe, compassionate and comforting setting for expressing the grief of pet loss. I will be facilitating a pet bereavement group on 4 consecutive Wednesday evenings at 6:30 p.m., beginning March 4. Please join us, no matter how long it’s been since the loss of your faithful friend!

To reserve a space or for more information, contact Carole Wadsworth at 805.389.6870 ext. 19 or cwadsworth@camarillohospice.org

FIVE GOOD REASONS TO JOIN A SUPPORT GROUP

1. You must care for yourself—emotionally and intellectually as well as physically.

2. It’s easier to discuss challenges of life after loss with others who are going through the same ordeal. Every member of a grief support group reflects every other member. Although there may be only one piece of each member that is a piece of every other member, it is a piece of gratifying connection.

3. Every person grieving the loss of a loved one is unique and what you share will no doubt assist someone else. A support group offers many stories, multiple points of view and a variety of paths to healing.

4. Sometimes it is easier to discuss feelings with empathetic “strangers” than with anyone else in the world.

5. A support group is a safe place to unburden frustration and fears while gaining support, practical information and resources. Everyone there understands the constant sadness and wants to alleviate it—for themselves and others.

"CAREGIVER SYNDROME"

The American Academy of Family Physicians and National Center on Caregiving recommend that every caregiver be screened for stress and depression. Caregivers who show signs of hostility, anxiety and a loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy are urged to talk to their doctors. According to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 50 million Americans provide caregiving services valued at more than $306 billion each year. Family caregivers provide more than 80 percent of all home care services and 40 percent provide some level of nursing support. It is reported that American businesses can lose as much as $34 billion each year due to their employees’ need to care for loved ones age 50 or older.

A Canadian study has looked at the impact hospice palliative care volunteers have on family caregivers and the factors that affect this. The research identified themes that contributed to the “unique care link” between the volunteers and the caregivers: The volunteers stand in an “in-between” role between patients and caregivers and caregivers and the rest of the family. They provide emotional support, availability and respite and help sustain relationships. (Journal of Palliative Care, 2008; 24(2):85))

Anatole Broyard reflected, in Intoxicated by My Illness: “A critical illness is like a great permission, an authorization or absolving. All your life you think you have to hold back your craziness, but when you’re sick you can let it go, in all its garish colors.” Add that patient dynamic to the stress and strain of 24/7 caregiving, and you have the formula for “caregiver syndrome”!

If you are a caregiver or are close to one, take heed! And remember, in addition to providing respite and counseling services, we are a well-linked community resource for caregiving, end-of-life and grief issues.